8 th feb

i write. yes i will write. because writing gives me the peace i dont get from you. i have given up too much for you. im dead and empty from inside. theres no joy in anything. my little fancies, nuances....you have snatched every bit of the immaturity i had. i came to you innocent confused and so eager to be loved. you left me as a cold ruined woman. what have you left me with? your love? that is a fantasy i am  yet to grasp. i dont believe in love anymore. love is just an obsessive one sided passion...like mine. i dont want to love you. i shouldnt have loved you. yet i need to love you. i dont get anything out of it. im depressed laconic and tired. i want to go home and forget i ever existed in a parallel dimension. im turning cold. i love you yes. but i wont last out long. i have bled and cried a lot. no one was there to wipe it in the name of so called love. how many times did i come running to wipe yours? probably you forgot. typical of you. you dont seem to remember anything associated with me. you break up. i patch up. i think im going to try your side of the game. im waiting and watching. you know how patient i am. i watch and watch. patience is a dangerous virtue. you cant outrun it. its 3 am now. i am wondering the train of tragic events that led to this. i am going to write more and more from now on. you may treat me like shit and expect me to shut up....you dont know what youre in for. karma my dear friend karma is coming right along at you. im tired. sometimes i feel i was better off without you. you are hurtful, crass, insulting with an extreme machoistic complex. whats worse is you positively find joy in my pain. the more it hurts the happier you grow. well you lost that girl. i dont think i really want to love you anymore. i shouldve been patient with my life. well we have just begun anyway. i dont think ill reserve my soft corner for you anymore. i am happy i met you. you show me how loveless people are. lets hope you can find a suitable replacement for me because you have lost me. yes...im smiling like a dumb girl teeth wide open, talking to yu when all i want to do is just stay quiet, holding your hands because i need to....inside theres a calculative analysis going on. waiting watching till the ripe moment.

ahh....that felt good to write!